Friday, June 04, 2010

Let's build a resume together!!!



So...I'm not worried for Tony Hayward. He'll land on his golden-slippered feet just fine, but he may need to look for a job elsewhere soon. Therefore I thought that together we could help him write a resume. I'm not feeling inspired, so I've set the bar very very low. (Justcurious and Paul Atkinson and Jeffrey Field are now all in the house with their contributions. Respeck!)

Tony Hayward

Objective: Ruining every major body of water, culminating in the Pacific Ocean. "May the sun never set on the British Petroleum empire."

Employment

British Petroleum

CEO, 2007 - Present

• Skill set
o Busting out fantastic “I truly care” looks on command.
o Biting my lip and empathizing with the persons whose lives I ruin.
o Self-pity
o Ruining large bodies of water.

• Accomplishments
o Ruined Gulf of Mexico.
o All-time safety violations king!!

Notable Past Achievements
• Peed and pooped in my bathtub until the age of nine!
• Killed all the fish in my aquarium as a teenager with only two pints of oil.
• Shut down summer camp swimming hole by releasing “mystery” fluid.
* Ex Officio member of Ducks Unlimited.
* Founder of "Crudites," theme restaurant chain known for tasty oil-soaked seafood appetizers
* Diverting attention away from Arizona immigration controversy

Technical Skills:
* More than proficient in WordImperfect and CAD(ultra).

Education:
* Bachelor of Bankruptus Moralis,
* Masters of Mucking
* Currently completing fieldwork for Doctorate in Dissembling

Philanthropy:
*Donated hundreds of millions of gallons of petroleum to needy Gulf coast residents during the summer of 2010.

Most Inspirational Quote in Time of Crisis:
* "I want my life back."

References: Capt. Joseph Hazelwood (Ret.)

8 comments:

Andy D. said...

Love it!

Every day I get physically ill, just thinking about the unimaginable scope of this disaster and the people in charge but doing **** all about it....

justcurious said...

Don't forget:

Technical Skills: More than proficient in WordImperfect and CAD(ultra).

Education: Bachelor of Bankruptus Moralis, Masters of Mucking, currently completing fieldwork for Doctorate in Dissembling

*Ex Officio member of Ducks Unlimited.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous didn't know that the 'B' stands for 'British.

Anonymous knows that referring to yourself in the third person makes you a douche.

Andy D. said...

Very true, Anonymous! Err... Well usually. Um. Well I guess I'll just say, it's hard to disagree? No that's no good either. Trying to acknowledge a good point well made as to BP and end it there... I'll simply say "hello and welcome!"

A.

Paul said...

Philanthropy: Donated hundreds of millions of gallons of petroleum to needy Gulf coast residents during the summer of 2010.

Most Inspirational Quote in Time of Crisis: "I want my life back."

Jeffrey said...

Objective: Ruining every major body of water, culminating in the Pacific Ocean. "May the sun never set on the British Petroleum empire."

Notable Past Achievements:
* Founder of "Crudites," theme restaurant chain known for tasty oil-soaked seafood appetizers
* Diverting attention away from Arizona immigration controversy

References: Capt. Joseph Hazelwood (Ret.)

jonbon said...

this is very funny. and clever.

Mike Bailey said...

jonbon--well, u my muse, b.