Saturday, January 30, 2010

The 50% Stud




It’s no surprise to you, Reader, that people can’t help but thinking of me as a stud. I demonstrated this to you last October when I listed search engine entries by which folks around the globe were brought to this blog. One person (I’m guessing a smashingly beautiful woman) located my blog through the term “stud dude.” The World Wide Web couldn’t help but direct that gorgeous woman to my blog.

People, the WWW understands. Boolean logic and hyperlinks all point to the same conclusion: People think I’m a stud.

As do you. And as do my colleagues. Or at least some of them.

The other day I was in my office when my phone rang. I picked it up and was greeted, not surprisingly, with a “Hey, Stud” on the other end. At first I didn’t know who it was because frankly this is a perfectly common salutation directed my way all the time. Then I recognized who it was and, I must tell you, the man who greeted me in this manner is actually quite the stud himself. I won’t give you his name (no, it’s not Harvey) but he owns a smile as winning as Jon Bon Jovi’s. (As seen here.)



He’s a rebounding monster on the basketball court. Plus he wears nice shoes, though that’s nothing I’d dare to admit to noticing. (Or complimenting him on every time I see him). Because that would just be extremely weird. And also right now I’m becoming uncomfortable. In other words, if anyone should know who a stud is, it’d be him. (Well him and me, both.)

So yesterday I was talking to a friend, a female colleague, and somehow I let it slip how my studly male friend greeted me. This is the response she game me. I will try to be as faithful to the effectual truth as possible. She said:

"Wuhh?? S..S...Stud?? He said what? 'Hey, Stud?' Stud?! "

BWAA HAAA HAAAAAA

On and on she laughed. Big wet sloppy tear-soaked chortles. Breath-gasping peels of hysteria. And then she just turned red in the face.

Because she couldn’t breathe.

Silence.

Silence punctuated by the rhythm of tears plopping onto her desk.

And then a huge gasp for air.

What the hell? My male studly friend surely greeted me without irony! And the web is on my side, too. The computer evidence that I’m a stud is overwhelming!

Here’s more evidence.

A week or so ago, my wife and I went out to dinner with one of our favorite couples friends. The husband is very manly and, yes, quite studly (no, not Harvey), and the wife is lovely and just eminently likeable. Our conversation was far-ranging and warm and full of laughter, but at one point I sought out their opinions on a matter that had been bothering me for a bit. Years ago (yet another) colleague once told me that when it comes to our three daughters, it’s widely acknowledged that my wife, Juli, gets all the credit for their reputations as bright and well-behaved kids. But what about me, I wanted to know. What about my contributions to the parenting? I have parenting theories and thoughts and strategies coming out the wazoo! Don’t I get any credit?

“No. Not really. I mean, people don’t think you’re bad dad or anything. It’s just that you’re seen as kind of....a neutral influence.”

But…but…but…but…

So at dinner I asked our friends how they would allocate responsibility (either praise or blame) to Juli and I for our roles in shaping the characters of our children. The husband somehow sensed a verbal trap and hesitated, but the wife immediately responded with an answer of:

“90/10.”

Really? Wow. I was thrilled. I didn't expect 90%. I mean, I don't think I even deserve 90%. I was modest so I asked, "but surely you’d give Juli more than 10%, right?"

“Oh no, I mean 90% Juli, 10% you.”

Clink. My fork drops to my plate.

But…but…but…but…

But then she said, "but Mike, your daughters are beautiful. Just beautiful. And you’re their genetic father. I give you fifty percent of the credit for that.'

So take that, cruel female colleague of mine!

Now the wife’s words can be interpreted in one of two ways. One way, the reasonable way, is this. “Your children are beautiful, and how could they not be because you, my friend, are studly. Given your own undeniable studliness, it’s a given that they’d be lovely.” The other interpretation, the wrong-headed way, would go something like this: “For reasons that are unfathomable to all but her, Julianne allowed you to mingle your genetic code with hers, and, well, the product of that mingling turned out much better than any of us had hope to expect--given their father. Apparently you’ve got some terrific recessive traits lurking in there. Boy, your girls hit the jackpot three times. Lucky you. Lucky them.”

No, that’s silly.

I’m going with the reasonable interpretation. I’m going with Boolean logic.

Stud.

36 comments:

Andy D. said...

Dear Stud:

Unfortunately this pumping up of yourself over this one comment that you might at least be half-studly takes me back to the episode of Seinfeld (I think from the "shrinkage" episode), where a doctor who Elaine really likes says to her that her beauty is "breathtaking."

Then later the doctor also tells the parents of a super ugly baby that the baby is breathtaking....

And when Elaine asks him how he could use the same word to describe them both, he says, "Well Elaine, sometimes we say things to people just to be nice..."

So.... I'll let you draw the analogy. You do have nice feet though, in front of that fire.

Then again, the dude did say it to you also. ???

AD

shinigami-sidhe said...

I wouldn't call you a stud, but that's because stud is a word that I associate more with walls than people. I have nothing against walls, mind you, in general I find them very supportive. I can lean on them, and also use them to hang picture frames, but when it comes to people I prefer expressions like ravishingly handsome. Which I will not use to describe you because a truly ravishingly handsome man would have had a poll about me instead of Andy.

Mike Bailey said...

Andy D: I appreciate the letter. I have no idea what you're saying in it--something about shrinkage--but that's all I got.

yours,

the stud.

S-S: yeah, the more i think about it the more i know i erred badly with that poll. bad bad bad mistake.

Julie said...

I'll give you that. You are a stud. I'm not scared of the huge head you will now have...since you seem to have known this all along.

Mike Bailey said...

Julie: Here are my responses to your trenchant and irrefutable argument.

1. I'm going to assume you're not being ironic. Oh, that would be cruel.

2. I'm glad you've sided with Boolean logic.

3. Woot woot!! Woot woot!! Woot woot!! Woot woot!! (Victory and happy dances here.) Woot woot!! Woot woot!! Woot woot!!

4. Can I just say that I feel so badly for S-S right now? Because see, you just leap-frogged over her on the path to earning your very own poll. Her mistake? I don't do subtle. I require blatant unmistakable shameless flattery.

5. I win. Andy loses. See 3 above.

6. Colleague at work loses, too. So ha to her! PPPPTTHT on her!

7. I fear you may be wrong about the whole ego thing. Maybe I should have warned you. Sorry.

Andy D. said...

S-S, You were right in naming that of which you think, when someone is called "a stud."

I, however, do not think of lumber (despite being a construction attorney...).

But I don't think of Jon Bon Jovi either.

I think of the technical, livestock definition - "a large, say 1,500 pound, testosterone-filled ox or bull who chews grass most of the day and sh##s in the same pasture from which it is eating."

.... Oh! "And wears socks by the fire."

AD

Mike Bailey said...

Andy D: I appreciate the letter. I have no idea what you're saying in it--something about pastures--but that's all I got.

yours,

the stud.

Andy D. said...

S-S, a note on the law of unintended consequences.

True, I got myself in the poll... But the very attention I was receiving which got me in the poll, has now jaded our webmaster into relegating me to the old "I can't hear you" trick... So my obviously very special status once upon a time, has now worked itself against me into my undoing... Sigh....

All thanks to the Bull. Errrr, Studchops Firefoot...

People, does no one but me think the fire/socks photo is even more self-serving than the verbal begging? : )

Andy D. said...

PS, I think that was a popular song by Beyoncè last year?

All the verbal beggin,
all the verbal beggin.
All the verbal beggin,
all the verbal beggin.
Put your hands up, up....

If you wanna poll you gotta put a "stud" in it,
If you wanna poll you gotta put a "stud" in it,
Oh ho hoooo....

Mike Bailey said...

Andy D: I appreciate the letter. I have no idea what you're saying in it--something about Studchops--but that's all I got.

yours,

the stud.

Mike Bailey said...

Andy D: I appreciate the letter. I have no idea what you're saying in it--something about Oh ho hoooo--but that's all I got.

yours,

the stud.

Andy D. said...

Dear Stud,

As we sit beside the fire of friendship and warmth, on this cold cold day in our snowy paradise, glowing in your wonderfully enframed manliness (as described only by other men, as best I can tell...), will you please do me the great honor to reach over here with your big, woolen, oxey toe, and stir my hot chocolate?.... As soon as you're done photographing yourself?

AD

Andy D. said...

Drafting liner note: Notice I refrained from using "cloven toe." I thought "oxey" more than covered it.

AD

Mike Bailey said...

Andy D (AKA "Bruno"): "will you please do me the great honor to reach over here with your big, woolen, oxey toe, and stir my hot chocolate?"

I think that exposes more about you than anything that I'd dare say.

shinigami-sidhe said...

MB-you give Andy a poll and now you claim you give them out for blatant flattery? Tsk.

AD-well, yes, but you did get a poll, which is more than the rest of us can say, so you must be doing something right.

As for the self-serving part, absolutely! It conveys the impression of "I am a suave firesitting stud" without ever explicitly giving us any information on his studliness. I watch Bollywood; I have standards! If he provided a picture of himself oiled up and shirtless, posed against some scenic background, that would be a studliness I could totally hang picture frames off of!

Mike Bailey said...

S-S: Since when did I become the (or "a") bad guy?

And as for the requirement of shirtless oiled-up photos of me in front of gorgeous scenery, I find that offensive. My studliness doesn't require such Bollywood-cheese tomfoolery to announce itself. Mine is a more transcendent studliness, the kind that shines through any and all garments--including giant oversized cheeto-stained sweatshirts.

justcurious said...

S-S, you forget I earned my own personalized poll after sticking my foot in my mouth in a royal way and MB inviting me to come back out of my deep, dark hole in the ground. There's always that option. It's less refined or flattering, but it's an option.

Steven Taylor said...

MB: you got a thing about feet, dontcha?

Mike Bailey said...

Justcurious: Whuh??? What are you doing to me?? I'm dying here.

Full Professor Whitey: Oh, you have a way, and how, to p*ss me off, my friend. I'm like one human-sized button for you to push, aren't I? No, I do not have a thing for feet. Grrr!!!!

Andy D. said...

POLL:

MB has a thing for:

a) one toe
b) two toes
c) three toes
d) four toes
e) the whole d@mn stinkfoot, everytime.

Andy D. said...

POLL:

S-S is:

a) royally awesome
b) right all the time
c) the most deserving reader who should be awarded a poll but never to get one yet
d) a better-quality follower of this Blog than anyone, especially Bad Andy
e) not in the least bit jealous
f) would never undercut a fellow reader who had already been awarded a poll
g) all of the above
h) a-d only
i) a-d only but, let's just admit it, sometimes with hints of e and f also.

Andy D. said...

MB -- getting back to a point of discussion from a couple posts ago, about those Google searches that bring people to your blog -- who in their right mind and not a crazy person, would search the internet for any reason using the search terms "weedwhacker eyeball"? That has no explanation, other than, what a nutjob.

AD

Julie said...

Who knew your studliness would cause such a controversy.

I almost feel like a trader for admitting to your studly qualities. To me, it sounded like you were thinking...
"I might be a stud. Am I? I am, aren't I?"

I guess the appropriate response would be to keep you guessing. I'm pretty sure though, that all of your friends think you're a stud. Male and female....even Andy.

shinigami-sidhe said...

AD is

A) someone who enlivens and enlightens

B) Unaware of how truly uninteresting the search results for "weed wacker eyeball" are in Google (though in an image search, one of the first hits is a sign saying "do not taunt the octopus" and I don't understand this. I know octopi are tricksome little buggers but how many people are ever going to be in a position to taunt them?)

C) someone that I would never stab in the back except when it's really necessary or when he gets more recognition from MB than I do.

D) really quite fabulous

E) Any combination of the above


MB--studliness in sweatshirts is just so bourgois.

JC--I'd be okay with that. I just want a poll, really.

Mike Bailey said...

Julie: Sorry, but I didn't have time to read your entire comment. All I had time to read was this part: "all of your friends think you're a stud. Male and female....even Andy." That's all I had time for, see.

But I'm glad I got to read that much because once again you are the voice of reason.

Pure reason.

Andy D. said...

Pure rea-son, fo the sea-son, full o trea-son, keep my knees-in, no mo bees-in, why no bees-in, cause he's seiz-in, mo studly rea-sons, keep him Jeezin...

No idea what that means. Nutty as weedwhacker eyeball...

AD

Technoprairie said...

After explaining to your niece what a stud was, I asked her if Uncle Mike was a stud. I'm afraid to say that she laughed and said no. She then did say that Uncle Mike was kinda attractive.

Kids these days!!

Full Professor Whitey said...

Evidence for my position one: they longest standing joke you have about me? My feet.

Evidence for my position two: your dig at Andy D. in this thread? Making fun of his "big, woolen, oxey toe."

Evidence for my position three: you used this very same foot photo as your Facebook avatar, proving that you associate yourself with feet.

Evidence four: a recent long post about some old shoes that you loved enough to retrieve from the trash.

I rest my case like feet up on a desk.

Ye shall know the truth, Kenny, and the truth shall set ye free.

Mike Bailey said...

Technoprairie: wait. i thought "kinda attractive" was the very definition of stud.

You mean there's more?

Oh.

well shoot, then maybe Andy's spot on.

Andy D. said...

Yes there is a difference.

Sir Ben Kingsley was "Sexy Beast."

Whereas, you "oxey beast."

-MC- said...

Nice.

Claudia said...

there should be an award for best blog comments. this would win hands (or maybe feet) down.

Mike Bailey said...

Andy D: your feet (and toe) poll stunk it up like old gym socks.

The S-S poll is much appreciated, however, as it seems that for the time being, at least, we're not going to move beyond the great injustice i did her. Hopefully this is a partial remedy.

I appreciate you (cryptically) owning up to searching for the blog with "weedwhacker eyeball," but that makes it no less deserving. Either that you used it, or that it actually landed you to my page. Scary. Your "in living color" poem, however, was pure poetry if not pure reason. very nice.

yours, the oxey beast.

S-S: i approve of your poll, especially option (b). (D), however, is right out. Huh-uh.

Full professor whitey: I don't have time for your evidence. it bores me because it's very hurtful. it's wrong because i say it is. and by the mere power of my word, you will believe me.

Claudia: i disagree. these comments have turned so ugly and false and hurtful. it's good thing that the Big Stud is utterly immune to criticism or what people think of him.

Oh mommy, help me.

Steven Taylor said...

See, Claudia sees the feet mania, too.

Andy D. said...

You see? This new "poll" of yours is exactly what I'm talking about. (See my last post on the previous photo of Timekeeper).

Bruised egos, bruised egos...

Alternate response: You gonna think chronic shrinkage, when I come at you wit my carvin knife. I be carvin the bejesus outta somethin, word.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous says you're a stud. And anonymous is surrounded by a brand new pool of studs possesing studliness that must have been a positive byproduct of the gentetic alteration research done by the Nazis during their brief solo occupation of the north for there is no other way to explain how it is so studly. So it means more coming from anonymous.