Vetoed suggestions thus far:Frowned upon: watching the Olympics on a couch (large plush couches not included) while eating a tremendous amount of junk food. (Formerstudent)
Formerstudent, because I have a soft spot for you despite your maddening anonymity, here are the reasons for my veto. 1. why are you taking away my hobbies? 2. eating junk food on a couch honors the Olympiads by demonstrating that what they do is quite special. 3. Couches and junk food naturally go together and woe unto you who tried to separate them. 4. Anti-couch pro-plush chair snobbery is strictly prohibited on my blog. 5. Frowning upon junk food is a slippery slope toward championing certain strictly unmentionable vegetables (e.g. cauliflower.) 6. Treating one's body as a high-maintenance finicky precision machine invites us to view ourselves as robots, and as you know I am at war with the robots (who are in alliance with the pod people).
Your requests for new laws granted by me thus far:
Banned: Rude and threatening chain letters. (Marmaladeinstead) Amended: with increased penalites for the letter writers who use terrible grammar. (me) Amended: or who write in all-caps. (s-s)
Required: Announcing one's intent to speak about home furnishings and fitness regemens, upon which occasion the audience is granted thirty seconds to exit the conversation with moral immunity. (timekeeper). Qualified: 1. I (but only I) may walk out of any conversation at any time for any reason with moral immunity. Strictly speaking, this is not be a new initiative as it is presently my practice, the truth of which may be verified by many people. (Stephen and Bonjon, please spare me the written testimonies of its truth, okay?)
The Technoprairie-Warhol Compromise Bill. Banned: granting fame beyond the pre-allotted fifteen minutes to anyone who has not earned it. (Technoprairie and Warhol). Amended: excepting persons of my choosing--i.e. those who I find especially dreamy, or those whose poor choices and ill-fortune magically invest my own obscurity (excepting my legions of fans here) with the mantle and feel of smug moral superiority. Banned: typing in "all caps." (shiniami-sidhe). Qualified: except for the sake of humor, as brilliantly illustrated in the following sentences: "Make your case, shiniami-sidhe. Is even the OCCASIONAL all-cap word unacceptable? Why? Because it's "shouting"? Well, are even italicized words unacceptable to you? EXPLAIN!!! And are we to ban real-life shouting as well? SPEAK!!!" (ME!)
Banned: Wait staff saying "are you still working on that?" to a customer. (Technoprairie)
Banned: Wire coat hangers (formerstudent). Amended: unless used as an accessory for the roasting of the perfect marshmallow. (marmaladeinstead).
Banned: The church sign (formerstudent)
Prohibited: broccoli (formerstudent)
Required: fast food restaurant ordering accuracy, with the penalty for noncompliance at the customer's discretion. (timekeeper)
A new right: the right of all decency-loving citizens to place a poncho over the bodies of inappropriately or scantly clad bozos and, for good measure, over all walmart customers after ten p.m. at night. (timekeeper)
Banned: the tiny stickers on the fruit. (trueoutlier). Rider: the invention of scannable fruit.
There is more evil out there to eradicate. Come forward with more requests. I admit I find your suggestions inspiring.
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Generally it’s my goal on this blog to leave you with the impression that I’ve never given a moment’s thought to anything that matters to anyone.
And mostly I succeed.
Therefore it may surprise you to learn not only that I’ve been given permission to vote, I sometimes sneak out when no one is looking and cast a ballot. Sometimes twice. Sometimes only half-way. And sometimes only half-way hundreds of times. (As I did in Florida in 2000.)
I am choosing the right time to endorse a presidential candidate on my blog. The perfect time. At which time you will feel my power. You will understand, my dear legion of readers, how I’ve been carefully cultivating your blind and fanatical loyalty toward me so that I may direct you to do my bidding in the swing states. At which point I will have the nation (and therefore the world) in my grip.
I can’t wait.
When I have achieved absolute power, I plan on immediately instituting the following rules.
Closed: All traffic on the roads on which I’m biking.
Required acquiescence: Anyone who I choose to photograph, including strangers. And no rolling of the eyes! Especially when I’m photographing your eyeball!! And you must strike the pose of my choosing for as long as I need.
Banned: bumper stickers showing a Calvin look-alike peeing on a truck brand. Or, having just relieved himself, praying to a shadow.
Banned: Saying “no problem” when “You’re welcome” or even “My pleasure” will suffice
To be invented: a handheld device that uses invisible electromagnetic waves to digitally communicate one's voice to others who are miles away!!!
Prohibited: Cauliflower.
So here’s my question to you, my loyal global readership: What rules would you have me institute when I become King? Best tell me now or forever hold your peace.
I will grant the best requests.
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18 comments:
Banned: wire coat hangers. They are really annoying and plastic ones are far superior.
Banned: The church sign. They are never clever and only serve to make christians appear foolish.
Prohibited: Broccoli. It is the evil older brother of cauliflower and therefore guilty by association.
Please ban all wait staff from saying, "Are you still working on that?" That would make my dh a very happy man.
Typing entirely in capital letters.
please ban, that is.
Banned: Those tiny annoying stickers that grocery stores put on fruit. Is it too much to ask that your cashier know the difference between a Granny Smith and a Gala apple? Nevermind, I just answered my own question. I forgot we were aiming for lazy, wasteful, and blissfully ignorant. Long live those mini stickers! I think your presidency and this entire blog should now be devoted to photos of those stickers,,,
Everything I've learned in your classes is rebelling against your plan to take over the country. erm, world.
But if it's going to happen, then I would suggest amending the ban on wire coat hangers to allow for their use as s'more marshmallow roasters. Because there's nothing quite like a perfectly-roasted marshmallow.
Would it be beneath your gloriousness to mandate that fast food establishments have a 50% accuracy between food ordered in drive-thru and food received in said drive-thru. I think those establishments failing to provide any semblence of the actual order should be required to pay the tab for the customer to eat elsewhere for the next year.
I would also like citizens to have the right to carry ponchos (99 cents at Walmart) which they may place over people who are dressed inappropriately...I'm talking about the low-ride jeans on girls, the underwear showing on guys, tight T-shirts that should not be, and everything being worn at our Walmart after 10pm on any night.
How about some kind of law that prohibits the news media from making too many stories on useless people? It would go something like - The news media may print 5 stories on any said person. The news media may print additional stories on that said person if that said person has 1) a real job, 2) or is a foreign person that has a real job.
Disadvantages of this law - none that I can see. If you don't count Britney's music as a real job.
Advantages of this law - only 5 stories on Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Anna Nicole Smith, Rumer Willis, and Britney.
shinigami--
you need to justify yourself, my friend. go to it.
loyal readers: read post for the status of your proposals. so far i'm pleased with your suggestions. but you've only begun to form the vaguest outline of our new world order. continue.
Perhaps it is too harsh to be banned but it should at least be severely frowned upon to watch the Olympics while sitting on the couch eating a tremendous amount of junk food. It just seems inappropriate and disrespectful.
It should be noted that this recommendation in no way reflects my personal Olympic watching habits.
...I was in a large plush chair eating a tremendous amount of junk food which is entirely different.
SPEAKING!!
Typing entirely in capital letters is the equivalent of shouting. A few words here and there is fine if it is impossible to italicize words for some reason. Other than that, it's just as rude and obnoxious to always shout in text as it is in person. Embrace the joy of having two cases, without which it is difficult to indicate varying degrees of excitement, proper nouns, the start of sentences, or a mature prose style.
Ooh! I got another one! Can you make it proper etiquette for all citizens who are about to go into great detail about discussing home furnishings, diet, or workout habits to have to pause and announce "Anyone who finds this topic excessively boring may feel free to exit the room without guilt now." Then they must pause 30 seconds before beginning the conversation (and if the whole room clears out, I'm sure most of them would continue to explain it anyway since their most fascinated audience is them). Too harsh?
3 out 4 ain't bad!
I couldn't help but notice that I was one of the first to have my requests granted and I was the first to have my request vetoed. As I see it, this means that I am no longer comprehensively defined as one of your seventy six thousand daily readers, but I am now a trend setter among the seventy six thousand!
It also seems to me, that while my anonymity is maddening at times, it is also endearing and is currently working out quite well for me, so therefore, at this time, must remain intact.
How about banning chain letters/emails/facebook posts that end with such dire threats as this one I recently received:
"You have just been DEATHWISHED Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 PM tomorrow, it could be anywere.Get ready for the biggest shock in your life. if you break this chain U will be cursed with relationship problems for the next 10 yrs. Send this to 15 people in 15 min"
I didn't send it to 15 people, and I refuse to believe that I will be cursed with relationship problems as a result. (Although I have funny stories that might indicate otherwise. ;) If we don't ban such nonsense entirely, perhaps we could find a way to encourage people to do something better with their time?
mmstd--
there was a time when i didn't believe in these kinds of threats. but after the sixth time i lost an arm due to a deadly disease, i concluded they must be true.
the prophet who wrote you your threat should have spent less time studying soothsaying and more time studying grammar.
formerstudent--how clever you are. all the while becoming more defined and distinguished while remaining anonymous.
very clever.
Unfortunate, about your arm(s).
I received the dire message three years ago; if, after seven more, I find that I can look back on a complete history of relational woes, I will conclude with you that such threats are legitimate. Should I reach this point, perhaps the ban can be altered. But I don't imagine that this will be necessary.
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