Friday, August 15, 2008

Off with their heads!


In the spirit of the Technoprairie-Warhol Compromise Bill (see post below), I ask you to nominate candidates for one of the following punishments:

Permanent “alien abduction”: Public persons or celebrities who are forever banned from public life.

The "Scarlet Letter": Making a public figure wear a t-shirt that lists their crime against truth, decency, or modesty.

Example: “I am hateful and smug and secretly afraid of the dark.”—Sean Hannity.
Example: “All my bullying is ‘compensation,’ if you know what I mean.”—Bill O’Reilly.
Example: “It’s pretty much all true, what they say.”—Bill Clinton
Example: “At night before I got to bed I look in the mirror, salute, and applaud for twenty minutes .”—Al Gore.
Example: “I’m Paris Hilton.”—Paris Hilton

The Victim Impact Statement--Here the celebrity must remain silent while you share your feelings about him or her (or about his or her beliefs). This is cruel punishment indeeed for the talking heads whose m.o. is to yell and interrupt.

And if these punishments do not bring us peace, then we can choose the "Men in Black" option, in which we have all traces of the public figure removed from our memories.
John Edwards? Who?
Note: To my friends at the CIA, FBI, NSA, and W's Secret Service who may find my violent photographic assault on presidential bobbleheadedness to be "of interest," let me use this opportunity to assure you of the following: 1. I am W's number one citizen soldier. When the president requested the public to spend their economic stimulus package, I complied immediately. 2. I have used water while ironing on my iron board. That's virtually an endorsement of waterboarding. 3. I never once voted for a self-proclaimed terrorist or enemy of the United States, and I am confident I will never do so in the future. 4. I cheer for the United States in the Olympics (in most events). 5. I have not deleted "W" from my keyboard. 6. This is completely true: I inflicted a bobblehead injury on my thumb when I returned the presidential bobblehead heads to their bobblehead bodies. If I am wiling to endure a cut on my thumb for presidential bobbleheads, imagine how much suffering I'd be willing to endure for non-bobblehead presidents!

3 comments:

timekeeper said...

Fox News Who?

jonbon said...

Waterboarding...hahahaha! Now that's just funny sh**

You've got jokes for days, big cat.

Michael B said...

jonbon--you're good to me when you're not being horrible to me. and i appreciate that.