Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Hear that? That's the sound of my arteries clogging.

So here's something just disgusting.  I recently returned from a two-week journey through the Midwest only to discover I gained eleven pounds. 

Eleven pounds!

In fourteen days!

That. Is. Repulsive!

I was hoping that I had become pregnant, but the tests reveal otherwise.  Drat it all!

Most of the fattage I gained at Andy D's house, for Andy and Tracey knew that I had been missing KC BBQ, and they served up sides of the stuff.   Soon my vacation devolved into a contest between how fast Andy's smoker could produce food and how fast I could consume it.  I began to measure my helpings not in portions but in carcasses.  I regret to inform you that I crushed the smoker.

Technoprairie also fed us like we were royalty, and there's no doubt I ate just a wee too much there, too.  Homemade ice cream, vegetables served within hours of being harvested, fabulous grilled meats.  But by the time I left Andy D's and got to Michigan, the damage was done.  My body composition was 12% recognizably human, 83% a combination of bbq sauce and smoked bbq meat, and 5% artichoke dip.  My poor in-laws took mercy on me and constructed an elaborate dolly, puller, and lever system to tote me around a la a post-Godfather Marlon Brando.  Frankly I was tyrannically Brando-esque with that thing.

"No no.  Just dump me in the oversized hammock there.  I need to catch up on my digestion. And bring me another homemade sundae and cheeseburger if you would."

Fortunately since I've arrived back home I have shed much (though not all) of the extra weight.  And with, oh, another sixty pounds or so I'll be in fighting shape.  I've got the fat and washed up part of De Niro's Raging Bull role covered.  Now I just need to get to the lean-and-mean part.  All things in their proper order: First the Bull, then the Rage. Should be easy as pie. 

Speaking of which.....Mmmmm...pie. Yummy yummy pie.


Andy D. said...

A few responses and reflections.

1. You were, indeed, a shambling mess. But as was I. Recall during your visit I gained BACK the weight I had lost in the two weeks before your visit... The best news, it's gone again! Plus a little more.

2. Have to say this. "In this week's Man vs. Food -- MIKE WINS!!"

3. The best news is, I'm serious here, to the extent you're blaming BBQ and overall "travel weight," a lot of that is going to be water weight, sister. Drink a TON of water over the next few days and your body will shed the water it's been keeping right back off. Seriously. Google it. I did, after gaining about 15 pounds on a 2-week trip to England last year, then I dropped it off again in about 3 days. Oh, it's healthy for sure. Just do it, Salt Man.

4. Hit the gym and start lifting.

5. You gotta admit, it was worth EVERY pound. What a great couple of weeks!!

6. Stop blaming Karen. I know she's innocent. ("Oh, she kept feeding me vegetables!" Come on...). No, this one was all you and me, my friend.

7. What will your next post be about with that same dang tree turned yet another color? "Oh My Green Frazzled Nerves." "Silver Hairs on My Head and Death So Imminent." "Thoughts on Purple Space Tunnels." I mean come on, put those two bee photos back up there and give us something we can work with.

8. Gates called. They want their pigs back.


Technoprairie said...

We're having cherry sorbet with chocolate sauce tonight. Come on by!