Friday, February 26, 2010

Ice on a shining spotlight

Here's what I find bewildering. There is a correct answer to the poll question, and it's the third option--that you should feel insulted I haven't posted a photo of you on the blog. The only reasons for not chooseing this option are:

1) I have, in fact, posted a photo of you on the blog.

2) You're grateful I haven't put your photo on the blog.

Let me tell you how this makes me feel:

It hurts. It hurts real bad. You, readers, have hurt me.

Let me hit you with you an analogy to explain how your response makes me feel. Imagine a child standing at the top of a ginormous twisty helter-skelter slide. At the bottom of the slide is a hot-tar pool of despair and self-doubt and, for lack of a better word, a heightened sense of failure and what one of my cruel female colleagues (described before in an earlier post) bizarrely calls my "schtick" of being emotionally crippled. So the child stands at the top, naturally terrified to go down the slide. Just as he chooses to back away, a big bully (I picture Nelson from the Simpsons yelling "HA-HA!!") shoves the child, who then plummets backwards and screaming, arms flailing, to his fate.

By not picking the third option, you are the bully. And I am the victim.

Friends, I am always respectful of my photography subjects. Respect is my credo. While it is true that occasionally I will chain them to a dungeon wall (sorry Stephen) or place them in a setting that evokes Hell (sorry Harvey) or digitally distort them to look either starving or insane or monstrous (, everyone) you must understand that it's not personal. I do this for art. So long as you do exactly as I say for as long as I say without grumble or protest while I photograph you, I will quite enjoy the photo shoot, and you can take great pleasure in my satisfaction. Almost by definition, this you will find rewarding.

So please don't be a bully. And please don't be so hurtful.

Let me take your photo. Let me alter it. Let me post it. It makes me happy, and that is warrant enough for everyone.

Thank you.


Andy D. said...

"This is the one where I submerged my camera in timekeeper's iced green tea glass as I waited for it to boil from being placed on the tealight candle, which was providing the mood lighting... in our darkened booth at the restaurant, as the waiter was waiting patiently but was no doubt wanting me to just order already, for the love of Pete."

I'm pretty close, aren't I.

Andy D. said...

You know what WE call art?

Bullyslappin your narrow girlie a** down that slide into the goo pool, then watchin you flop around on the sheet we've laid out at the bottom.

Frame it.

Andy D. said...

PS - at least we've given you a slide. Old school woulda shoved you off a five story drop.

Ala Yosemite Sam when Bugs keeps trickin him to jump off that divin board onto the little pool below.

"Dont cross dat line, Doc. I darest ya."

"Oh yeah?? Well I'M A-STEPPIN!!!!!!!"

Julie said...

The pool of despair at the end of the twisting slide is filled with even superman would be scared.

Steven Taylor said...

You do, of course, realize, that if you have put a picture of us on the site we are precluded not only from answering that one in the poll, but can also not, legitimately, pick "all of the above".

The exam question is flawed, Mr. Professor.

Take THAT with you as you wend your way down the twisty-slide into the puddle of despair at the end.

Steven Taylor said...

Andy D.: not to goad you into agreeing with me in public, but I see that you have dined out with MB and timekeeper.

Just an observation, Haikuer, just an observation.

shinigami-sidhe said...

But, but, cameras steal one's soul!

Technoprairie said...

You forgot to add "take a picture of you so that your feet look huuuuumongous next to your regular body".

Or does that fall into "monsterous"?