J.H. of South Carolina (Miss South Carolina?) posted a question about my stance on squash, and her inquiry made me realize that likely thousands if not hundreds of thousands of my readers are wringing their hands, wondering anxiously about my opinions on a variety of vegetables.
Worried most of all are my farmer friends. They know that their livelihood and therefore their prospect of remaining on land passed down through nine generations rests in the balance of my vegetable judgments.
But it’s not just farmers who are worried. My anxious readership knows no boundaries of class, race or gender. Or even literacy. Believe me, my loyal illiterate readership knows how to read a photo. (Such as the one I took above at a local Kroger.)
I don’t begrudge my readers their feelings. No one wants to be dead to me, nor can they stand the thought of being a pod person, a soulless husk with the form but without the substance or dignity of genuine human beings like myself (and about seven others).
To find out whether you are a pod person, read the following lists in which I have categorized my own preferences. If you line up with me, you're in good shape. If not....I'm sorry.
Vegetables I love:
* Potato chips
* Hamburgers with pickles
* Mushroom pizza (with Italian sausage and no mushrooms)
* Cookies made from flour (see below)
Vegetables I like:
* Red wine
* Chili (dogs)
Vegetables I like when I’m feeling a little adventurous:
* Oatmeal cookies (see above)
* Cornbread
* Toast
* Fruit
Vegetables I like when I’m feeling extremely adventurous:
* Carrot cake
* Cobb salad, heavy on the bacon, eggs and blue cheese crumbles and, oh, leave off the tomatoes and green peppers, please. Lettuce is optional.
Vegetables I will eat when the vegetable taste and texture and color are removed:
* Vegetables (see exceptions above and below)
Vegetables I tolerate if prepared especially well by a genius chef, and only while making a face like Munch’s “The Scream”:
* Zucchini
Vegetables I will put in my mouth to be polite, but then secretly spit out into a napkin:
* Eggplant
Vegetables that I refuse to eat no matter how much the chef begs me.
* Cabbage
Vegetables which should be eradicated, using lethal force if necessary.
* Okra
* Beets
Vegetables that can go to hell
* Radishes
* Turnips
* Rhubarb
* Squash
* Rhubarb pie
Prank vegetables the name of which I cannot speak or write:
* Cauliflower
Farmers, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. Truly. On the bright side, it just might be fun to own a hamburger stand.
For the rest of you, I wish you the best.
Worried most of all are my farmer friends. They know that their livelihood and therefore their prospect of remaining on land passed down through nine generations rests in the balance of my vegetable judgments.
But it’s not just farmers who are worried. My anxious readership knows no boundaries of class, race or gender. Or even literacy. Believe me, my loyal illiterate readership knows how to read a photo. (Such as the one I took above at a local Kroger.)
I don’t begrudge my readers their feelings. No one wants to be dead to me, nor can they stand the thought of being a pod person, a soulless husk with the form but without the substance or dignity of genuine human beings like myself (and about seven others).
To find out whether you are a pod person, read the following lists in which I have categorized my own preferences. If you line up with me, you're in good shape. If not....I'm sorry.
Vegetables I love:
* Potato chips
* Hamburgers with pickles
* Mushroom pizza (with Italian sausage and no mushrooms)
* Cookies made from flour (see below)
Vegetables I like:
* Red wine
* Chili (dogs)
Vegetables I like when I’m feeling a little adventurous:
* Oatmeal cookies (see above)
* Cornbread
* Toast
* Fruit
Vegetables I like when I’m feeling extremely adventurous:
* Carrot cake
* Cobb salad, heavy on the bacon, eggs and blue cheese crumbles and, oh, leave off the tomatoes and green peppers, please. Lettuce is optional.
Vegetables I will eat when the vegetable taste and texture and color are removed:
* Vegetables (see exceptions above and below)
Vegetables I tolerate if prepared especially well by a genius chef, and only while making a face like Munch’s “The Scream”:
* Zucchini
Vegetables I will put in my mouth to be polite, but then secretly spit out into a napkin:
* Eggplant
Vegetables that I refuse to eat no matter how much the chef begs me.
* Cabbage
Vegetables which should be eradicated, using lethal force if necessary.
* Okra
* Beets
Vegetables that can go to hell
* Radishes
* Turnips
* Rhubarb
* Squash
* Rhubarb pie
Prank vegetables the name of which I cannot speak or write:
* Cauliflower
Farmers, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. Truly. On the bright side, it just might be fun to own a hamburger stand.
For the rest of you, I wish you the best.
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10 comments:
i know, what about cheese souffle baked in one of your grandma's jello molds? the appearance of healthy with none of the bite.
Where does the veggie cotton candy go?
Dear sir, I find your list strangely deficient. Nowhere is there mention of either chocolate or coffee. Surely, since they are made from beans, we can include them somewhere in this august assemblage of vegetables, though it would make me sad to know that you felt they should be eradicated with lethal force.
Some farmers grow wheat and potatoes... those are my kind of farmers... if farmers want to get all exotic with their crops by growing green beans and stuff they deserve to lose their farms ;)
cjs
I thought there used to be a way to reply to comments that other poeple made... what happened to that feature???
what would i do without you shinigami-sidhe??
chocolate and coffee both belong on the list of vegetables i love. but as you know, there are those among us who would end the chocolate and cocoa trade to protect the "exploted" workers. i suppose we're all supposed to start our own mini-coffee plantation just off of our back porches? but even if every soul rallied behind this cause, i'd still be willing to take up weapons to continue the exploitation. unless, of course, friendly neighbors were willing to thrust overflowing bags of cocoa and chocolate beans into my hands. because i needs me coffee. and me chocolate.
cjs--
finally a sensible comment among my readers!
and as for replying to replies, i don't know how "computers" or "blogs" work. i do ask that all respondents run their replies through me as a way of filtering out the profane vitriol of my rabid vegetables supporters (i.e. "farmers.")
justcurious--
i think that food masking is a good idea in general. especially in the manner as you describe, that is, to trick the vegetable lover(s?) into thinking she's eating a vegetable when in fact she's really eating a j.l. souffle. or a doughnut. or roast beef. or whatever.
of course there are limits. the non-vegetable dish can't be ruined in the process of masking. that would be wrong. a souffle works better in the mold than, say, j.l. ribs. so much of the time masking will have to be psychological in nature.
remember those experiments in which the whole class would agree that two lines drawn on a board were the same length (when in fact they weren't) to see whether the poor unsuspecting and ininformed sucker would crack under the pressure and conform with their judgment? sadly, those suckers almost always did conform, a sad mark on human nature that helps explain diverse unfortunate social phenomena such as nazism, the popularity of the dave matthews band, and the awkward "passing the peace" (i.e. shaking hands with the person next to you in the pew whose name you can't remember) moment of church services?
perhaps we sensible eaters can all agree ahead of time to call the meatballs creamed corn, and hopefully everyone will be happy, the sensible and the vegetable lovers alike.
just a suggestion. a good suggestion. thanks for your contribution, justcurious.
technoprairie--sadly, cotton candy does not go as high on the list as i'd like it. it's one of those vegetables that at first glance appears to have promise but in fact does not appeal to me. in general i don't eat vegetables that can also be turned into clothes (ie. cotton). however, i will eat virtually any animal that can be turned into clothes, such as cows, snakes, beavers, and mink. leopards are especially delicious.
and you call yourself a chef?!? lol, chefs need a true appreciation of all vegetables, or would you disagree?
I know I love vegetables. But then again, as discussed, I more enjoy the act of eating my food rather than cooking it....
oh i'm sorry, erin. did you say something? i couldn't hear you over the crunching of my deep-fried twinkies.
yummmmmm....
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